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*woosh, woosh* Heartbeat

Our little Squishy,

We heard your heartbeat yesterday. It was the most thrilling thing ever. I never thought that a simple sound could bring such joy to me, but it did. I felt so connected with you for those few moments of hearing your heart beat strong and healthy.

--

I realize that I kind of suck at this keeping up with a blog thing, but at the same time, I have been scared to post and to get excited about my baby because I didn't have comformation beyond a few sticks with lines. I didn't get an ultrasound. Yesterday at 13 weeks 3 days was the first time that I knew for sure there was a living baby in my uterus, and I am now estatic.

We ordered a home doppler tonight, so that we can hear the heartbeat more and share it with friends and family. I am finally getting a *little* bump so I plan to start taking weekly belly shots this Saturday at 14 weeks.

I haven't gained any weight still, and have actually lost between 4 and 7 pounds depending on what scale I am on.

--

We had an ER visit this past weekend for what all symptoms say was a kidney stone, which wasn't fun.

So now, in my excited state I am going to start researching different baby products and start a list of things we need and things we want.

Do darker tests mean I am more pregnant?

I kid, I kid.

 But instead of posting more pictures of the 7 or so other tests that I took, I'll just be statisfied in the fact that they all got darker, except the digital that cut to the chase and said "Pregnant." I have a prescription from my regular doctor that says I am indeed pregnant, with an estimated due date of 2/14/2010.

They think a Valentine’s Day baby. Fertility Friend says 2/17/2010. Either way a February baby is on the way. I am officially a “Love Bump” according to the February girls on The Bump.

I’ll take it. I am pregnant. That is more than enough for me.

We have only told 4 people. We are waiting a few more weeks to let the cat out of the bag. I have read the stories of early miscarriages, of late miscarriages, of women who were so excited to share the news, only to turn around 3 days later and share the heartache.

I know there is no way of knowing whether I am going to be one of those women, or one of the ones with a completely “normal” pregnancy.  I just really don’t want to take the risk.

We have our first appointment scheduled with a midwife. We have decided to go to Bar Harbor to give birth. It is the closest family centered hospital, with the lowest c-section rate. The appointment is July 15^th; I will be approximately 9 weeks along.

It is very possible that we will have already shared the news by that point. We are too excited to keep it to ourselves much longer.

And now, for pointless information:

How far along? 4 weeks 4 days
Total weight gain/loss: down 3 pounds
Maternity Clothes? God, I hope not for a while.
Stretch marks?  No
Sleep:  Just starting to want more. I am tired all the time and actually took a nap yesterday.
Best moment this week: Having the Doctor tell me I am pregnant.
Movement: None yet, at least night from my uterus.
Food cravings:  No cravings, but an aversion to yogurt is in the works.
Gender:  Chinese Gender Chart says Girl.
Labor Signs:  None
Belly Button in or out?  In
What I miss:  Nothing yet.
What I am looking forward to:  My first appointment, telling people we are pregnant, and staying pregnant.
Weekly Wisdom:  Relax and Enjoy it.
Milestones:  A BFP!

A weekly not-so-wisdom was my Grandmother telling me that I should wait until after I am married to get pregnant because we should enjoy being married before we have a baby. She told me that my brother did it the right way because he was married for a few months before he got his new wife pregnant.  My comeback was “Even if I am pregnant now we will be married for a few months before I give birth” Of course she didn’t know I am pregnant now, and I am sure (or at least hope) that she will feel bad when I  tell her.

Proceeding with Caution

And so it begins. The watching and waiting of early pregnancy. Watching for all of the horrible things that can indicate a miscarriage, waiting for more signs of pregnancy, the time to tell other people, the first appointment, and all of the fun things that go along with being pregnant. 

Finally.

Finally done going to Machias every week.

Finally at home full time.

Finally have a part time job.

Finally can start to focus on creating a family.

…

And yet I still have to finish planning my wedding.

And finish my bathroom.

Apparently things have just begun.

The sun will shine again.

We decided that we wanted to try to conceive this past month, as soon as a stopped taking my birth control pills. The cycle was a bust, but I decided this afternoon that I really am okay with it. I would have ecstatic to be pregnant so soon, but I know that I will get pregnant when I am supposed to be. We will be moving on to a 2010 baby, which will be fun. It will be hard to forget how old our child is, and it will give us a little more time to get ready.

Ben is excited to be a daddy soon, he has been asking questions, and has expressed interest in reading books about pregnancy. He has even bought a few things for the baby all on his own. I think he finally has realized that you can’t put off having children forever, and is finally okay with the fact that there is never a time when you are 100% ready to have a child, there will almost always be things that make you worry.

I am doing everything that I can to prepare for pregnancy, childbirth and raising a child. I have almost completely stopped drinking soda. I drink between 6 and 10 servings of water a day, and am eating fairly healthy. I am researching a lot of things that I have had concerns about, and learning a lot of new things.

Today is CD1 of cycle 2, and I am confident that things will happen when they are meant to happen.

---

In other news, my wedding dress has been ordered, my reception venue booked, my ceremony site booked, the wedding rings ordered, dj booked, photographer mostly booked, food taken care of, and the invitations ready to be printed.

I still need to get center pieces, print, assemble, and address the invites, get shoes for the bridal party, finalize things with the photographer, get accessories, grooms suit, cake, cake topper, flowers, etc. 

One Crisis at a Time, thanks.

I don't know how this is going to go. I've lived "on my own" for almost 2 years. I lived with my Aunt for a year before that.

Now my dad is going to be moving in. It's the best thing for all parties, but it is still going to be a change. 

We just got done talking about how the house isn't big enough for the two of us and three cats, so now we are going to add another adult, and another cat. Then hopefully a baby next year. 

Granted, we started talking about the baby thing before we found out my dad is moving in. Yes, we could wait, but the Inseminator isn't getting any younger (he is 30, has a heart condition that means surgery in 10 years). 

The bright side is, we can put a bedroom in the attic. My father will have his own space. And we will have a nursery. 

But, we will have to buy or build a house in the next 3-ish years. 

Guess life can get in the way of all plans, but luckily we have wiggle room.

Not Me! Second Edition

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

This week I did not:

Do absolutely nothing on Monday. That was someone else. I was the one folding laundry and cleaning her house. You must have looked into someone else’s windows. I would never consider days like that “vacations” in preparation for getting pregnant and having a child, which is seemingly imminent.

I also did not have a three year old vomit all over my house. She was very controlled and hit the bucket every time. I did not see this as “the ultimate test” for having children. I didn’t think I passed with flying colors.

I did not go wedding dress shopping just for the fun of it and find “THE DRESS.” It was not the cheapest dress I had tried on.  I am not that frugal. (See previous post)

I did not take a vacation from home starting today. I am not sitting in my college dorm room. I definitely have classes all week, there is no way I would be sitting in my dorm room on a Monday and not have a single class until Thursday night. That would be crazy! Wow, I am glad that isn’t me.

 

Worrying gets me..

Okay, so now that Ben (the fiancé) has given a definite YES! to try for a baby this fall, I am scared.

I am worried because I don’t want to have to have a J-O-B (40 hour a week job) anytime during my pregnancy or the baby’s first year. I figured out our finances and our monthly bills take half of our monthly income. I don’t think this is a horrible amount, especially when there will be a huge expense saved (my travelling 180 miles every week to and from school, plus all the frivolous spending I do when I am there ‘forgetting that I am a housewife as well as a college student’)

I think in the end it will all average out and we will be fine, but the worry is there, and I suppose that I would be more worried if I didn’t think of these things at all.

-----

I am so excited that I will be a full time housewife starting in May, it is crazy. 

Not Me!

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

It isn't me who is more excited to be planning a baby than to plan a wedding. Babies give you more memories, but the wedding will be the last time I get to look like a princess.

It definately wasn't me who some how talked her husband-to-be down from a two year wait to a one to two month wait to stop taking birth control. What kind of woman has that kind of power?

It also isn't me who is hoping to be able to have a homebirth when I do get pregnant, because that is crazy woman talk.

I definately also didn't forget my engagement ring on my way to school as week, and have to turn around 2o miles down the road to go home and get it. I would never forget to put it on after a long day of cleaning.

I am most definately not planning a wedding and a baby as a college student, who drives 196 miles round trip to college every week. 

I am not planning to "put a hold" on college until my life makes me happy. That is selfish and everyone should get a college education.

I most definately am not finishing my very first Not Me! post instead of cleaning my house, or doing my homework. It is Vacation! I would be on top of everything :)

And lastly-

It wasn't me who started a blog just to "fit in" and be able to do "Not Me! Monday." I started a blog to have a place to talk about the good things in my life too. :)

Love Conquers All

 The Inseminator and I have been talking about our future. We are getting married in August, have a house, and have been together for six years. We will both admit that not all of the six years have been happy, but there has definitely been more good than bad.
We started talking about "what next.."...you know, baby makes 3?..
It started as a discussion that lead to waiting until 2011. 
Then we started talking about the reason why we might want to wait that long. Which boiled down to freedom, responsibility, and cost. 
We talked about losing freedom, increased responsibilty, and the cost of a baby (not as much as I thought it would be). 
That lead to deciding to think about 2010 to start trying. 
Then Ben started asking his friends, family, and co-workers what they thought. Almost everyone he has talked to has been in complete support of us starting a family. They think we will make great parents. 
I talked to my friends and family, they think we will make great parents.

Then there was the one.. 
the one who thinks that we can't handle it
the one who made around $40,000 last year but could barely afford their child
the one who thinks that there is no way we are ready.
the one who thinks that us having a child would change our lifes so drastically that we wouldn't be able to handle it

and this is what I have to say to that:
--I am absolutely positive we can handle it.- We have been through more together in the past 6 years than most people I know, we are completely honest with each other...we have talked about the "what ifs" and the "but whens." It's about as planned as the unknown can be.
-- Money isn't everything, and it doesn't buy happiness and love. Our baby may not have THE BEST of everything, but it will always be loved by both of its parents, it will always be paid attention to, it may have the least materialistic upbringing possible, but love conquers all.
--We are as ready as two people can be without winning the powerball. We are emotionally, physically, and mentally ready for anything. Again, we have talked about it, we know the risks, the benefits, etc. We may lack the money needed to buy a $3,000 swing set, but isn't a tire swing in a tree much more fun?
-- Anything you do changes your life. I went to college and it changed our lives, we moved in together and it changed our lives, we are getting married and that will change our lives too. A baby is step you take when you are ready to make the commitment. It is something you do knowing that the outcome is 18 years of commitment to raising an amazing human being. We know these things, we are ready for changes.

So in the end, get over it, our decision will be made based on how we feel inside, its nice to know that you think we will fail as parents, but we will provided a loving home for a child, it may not have top of the line toys, but it will have support,and comfort.

Suck it up.